{blank}

photographs

2006-11-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

watch this.

2006-11-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

warning: shoes and profanity

wyoming

2006-11-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

let's go roaming in wyoming
take a spill through the hills
and take a galley through the valleys
we'll see the tower in half an hour
and then some if you're lonesome
but don't worry if it's blurry
from watering eyes in hazy skies
the fires will all go out tomorrow.

we'll meet a man in cheyenne
and he'll show us like he knows us
all the sights and city heights
of the capital if they've mapped it all
though the wilderness still bewilders us
in the majesty of it's chastity
but don't forget to double check
that your matches and your latches
are kept tight and burning bright

other people

2006-11-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

there are many times i wonder what makes us different.

i am me. i see things through my eyes. i do things i like. i hear sounds. i have dreams, thoughts, emotions, feelings, fantasies.

but what about you? what about other people?

do you see the same things i do? do you feel the same things i feel? do you understand the things i understand?
how many times, when watching a movie with a friend, have you stopped to wonder if that person was watching and understanding the movie the same way that you were? do you ask them if they like it? do you ask them why? why is one thing good and another bad? how can one person see something as a masterpiece and another see it as trash? which is it?

to be an authority on something, or to be a judge, one must have experience and education. it turns good and bad into something empirical.

prose
there were two brothers in a nearby town who were the best wine tasters in the entire country. we were lucky that they had agreed to come to our wine tasting festival.
my city is small, but we grow the best grapes and make the best wine. and having them, these two with tongues so educated, visit our wine festival and judge our wine is a great honor.

they arrived, and we treated them like gods, and to us they were. we gave them all that they asked, but they asked for very little. i guess you could say they were very professional. they only wanted water and bread before the festival, though we had pleanty of other food and drink available to give to them. they arrived only to taste the wine they said.

so finally the time came for them to taste it. the entire city held its breath as they took to their glasses. and exhaled upon their setting them down.

an eternity passed.

the first brother spoke. he said something about the wine being very good, but that he tasted something metallic. the second brother said the wine was very good also, but that he tasted something like leather.

how dare they. these two who are supposed to be so educated and trained. how dare they criticize the best wine on earth. and to say something as outrageous as tasting metal and leather?? these were no judges at all! they were fakes, and we showed them how we deal with fakes. there was an outcry. i'm not sure who in the crowd shouted first, but we all were screaming soon enough. it seemed as if everyone was going crazy, and somehow a fire started. it wasn't long before we had chased the two impersonators away.
and oh how they ran.

it wasn't until much later, after the wine was drained from the barrels by our thirsty townsfolk, that we realized our mistake. there, in the bottom of the keg was a string of leather tied to a key.

happy halloween

2006-10-31T19:44:00.000-08:00

all things must pass

2006-10-30T05:46:00.000-08:00

daylight savings is finally over.

thank goodness.

einstein
b. 14 Mars 1879
d. 18 Avril 1955

E=mc²

e: energy
m: mass
C: the speed of light

scientists used to believe that light was a wave, and as a wave it needed a substance to travel through. they called this ether. ether covered the entire universe, and everything belonged in it. should it be true that everything traveled through ether, then light would speed up or slow down depending on which direction the light was traveling relative to the earth, which was also travling through the ether. (when the light was moving in the same direction as the earth through the ether, it should speed up, and when it moved in the opposite direction it should slow down)

but light remained constant.

so something else must be the variable.

time.

voila.
4 dimensions.

seven swans

2006-10-27T06:26:00.000-07:00

i met a man that gave me an egg.
he said for me to take it, and it would bring me happiness.
i put it to my ear, and i heard a quiet murmor almost like laughter.
it was warm in my hands, and i put it in my pocket.

i took it home with me, and put it on the windowsill.
it bathed in the sun, and i watched it.
i put it to my ear, and i heard a quiet murmor almost like laughter.
i had visions of the happiness containted in this egg.

i waited days, months, years. and eventually forgot about it.
i came across it by chance, there on the windowsill still.
i put it to my ear, and i heard it sing to me quietly
i cried silently as i listened.

my tears streamed down my face, and onto the egg still against my ear.
"don't cry anymore" it sang, so softly that i could barely hear.
i put it on the windowsill again, and it continued to sing so beautifully i could do nothing but cry.
i fell asleep listening to it.

when i awoke, there before me were seven swans.
each glowing in the sunlight from the window.
i smiled as i watched them, so tame, so graceful, so pure, so white.
and as they flew away, i was happy.

we have grown so much.

2006-10-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

when i was 12, i cried myself to sleep almost every night.
i cried because i realized the world was a big, and cruel place. and that soon i would grow up to be in it.
i didn't want to get old.

now, 10 years later, i still don't feel any different. i still feel like i'm that 12 year-old girl afraid of the bigger world outside of my door.
but i'm not afraid of it being crule or big. i'm afraid of the world.
i'm afraid that i love the world. or that i would fall in love with it so i hold myself back..... sometimes i wish i could just close my eyes and jump into it.

i think that's what i need to do.

... but i still don't want to get old.

the album leaf

2006-10-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

great show. we had a nice chat with the delightful violinist.
he gets an A+ for cool in my book.

it was really late, though. and there was quite a long waiting period between getting there and the show actually starting.... but still, very well worth it.
i'm having a hard time forming coherant thoughts this morning is the problem.

this is why god made coffee.................

the octopus project

2006-10-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

The Octopus Project:
+Toto Miranda
+Yvonne Lambert
+Josh Lambert
+Brandon Durham

Date: October 20, 2006

Location: Fort Worth Modern Museum

Verdict: Awesome

theawa

2006-10-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

my ears are deformed.

no, really. they are. my right one is. not on the outside, though.
on the outside, both of my ears are fine. a lot of things are like that, once you think about it.
i'm also partly deaf. the doctors say it's because of all the infections i had as a child.
then again, no one has perfect hearing. no one is perfect. but, because of this i have a tendancy to not hear things. i'm also usually somewhere in my mind, day dreaming is what they usually call it. that doesn't help.

at the same time, i love music. there is nothing more beautiful or powerful. it's exposure, it's spiritual nudity. it's something between here and heaven, it's freeing, it's gratifying, it's healing, it does something that nothing else can - it brings us together. music is universal.

but i can't help but wonder if i'm hearing the same thing that everyone else hears.
does it matter?
the noumenon and phenomenon of music.... the translation of the sounds into what i hear. it's amazing. a simple vibration in the air, into my ear, against my eardrum, through my brain somehow becomes something beautiful.

have you ever heard something indescribable? you feel like a lump in your chest has melted, and your heart speeds up, and you start to cry? and the only way you can describe it is with a color?

i knew a girl with perfect pitch.
she was autistic, but played the flute. and when she heard a note, she saw colors. and when she heard a chord, she saw rainbows. for her, music was more than an auditory experience. i wonder what that's like.

logos

2006-10-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Let's go.

it's about time....

2006-10-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

okay, so i've been thinking about what i wrote last time... and i thought about things that have been going on in my life.
we've turned into cowards, i think.
no one will face anyone anymore. no one wants to confront someone... even if that's what they need. even if it's what they want.
recently, as it has happened in the past, i've lost some very special people in my life.
why? i don't know. i wish that i did. (and if you think i know, you're wrong, because i don't)
we drifted, maybe? we stopped talking? we lost that certain i-don't-know-what that we had when we were together? maybe they've forgotten what friendship is?
why does this have to be hard? you run to your livejournal, your facebook, your myspace, but never address the cause of the problem.
am i so hard to talk to? am i hard to confront?
and i can only do so much on my own. there is no such thing as a one-way relationship. friendships, partnerships, deeper relationships, are all dependant on cooperation on the parts of all the parties.

i can talk to myself all i want, but i'd rather talk to you.

it's rare to find someone personable anymore. to find someone who cares beyond the superficial "we're friends on myspace or facebook, then that's all we need... i'll write on their wall every so often and that's it"
sometimes it's nice to hear a voice, even if it's far away.

no one asks questions, or wants to get to know you.
i understand. i feel that way all the time. i'm surrounded by strangers.

i get so absurdly excited when i get an email, a phone call, a text message... anything. but how much more exciting it is to be in person with them? ...seeing them, talking with them, sharing with them.
that's what a friendship is.
it's not the reciprocation of a friend request on facebook/myspace/mixi

i'm thinking this might not make sense. but i don't want to read over it again.

information overload

2006-10-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

i think we're all a little too involved in eachother anymore.
no more phone calls, no more writing, no more reading, everyone is online.

we just look online.

want to know what kind of music that guy you think is cute likes so you can make him a mix CD of those bands to impress him with your similar tastes? look at his myspace. what does she study? is she just at school for an MRS degree? look at facebook. is he single? does she like pop music? do they have good taste in books?

and judge them based on that.

i know i'm guilty of this.
and then i realize people do the same for me. i'm my profile. i'm what myspace and facebook and mixi say that i am. i compartmentalize myself into sections: music, movies, interests, activities, philosophies.

but why? why am i online? why do i have a myspace or facebook?
can i give it up? or do i need that connection to other people? do i need to prove myself to my friends? shouldn't they know me already?

would anyone call me or talk with me if i didn't have facebook?
maybe i'm afraid that they wouldn't, and that's why i keep it.

i'm not my profile. or i like to think that i'm not my profile.

maybe i need to simplify things.

i've nevereverever

2006-10-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

i've nevereverever:

{eaten at arby's
been to in deep ellum during the daytime
gone to norway
swam with dolphins (that sounds gramatically incorrect...)
spoken english with a french accent.... mais, c'est probablement tres difficile, n'est-ce pas?
been to a football game
been able to sit still long enough to watch gladiator
eaten a drumstick like they do in cartoons}

.... but i want to some day

this is me from far away

2006-09-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

sometimes what you're looking for isn't meant to be found,
and other times it's just around the corner.

and maybe it's here, maybe it's now.

oh the mystery of life.

2006-08-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

just when you are about to give up, something magical happens that makes you keep going.
keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep loving , keep living

We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it.

yea verily

2006-08-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

i sold my first drawing.

ADVISO

2006-07-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

>> i will be moving back to fort worth some time soon <<

oh life

2006-07-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

things have been strange and different and new...
i'm scared.

sometimes, i wish i didn't exist.
or that i could close my eyes and it would all go away.
or that i could sleep and dream forever.

but then i remember i have more to live for.

life...

2006-05-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

i had an interview yesterday with Advocate magazine in dallas... they said i'm a strong candidate for the position, and they'll let me know by the end of the week! exciting....

i've had a hard time sleeping, and i have doctor's appointments lined up to infinity, it feels like. ugh.
everyone, don't get sick!

oh life. please get easier.

and in the end...

2006-05-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

if i could go back and change anything, i wouldn't.

i've changed a lot over the last four years... even in the last 6 months. but i don't feel like i've lost anything that i haven't gained back 10 fold. these last few months have been magical. they've been the best months of my life. and i have so much to look forward to...

so in the end this isn't the end after all. it's only the begining.

and in the end

2006-05-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

this is it... one of the last days of my former life.

highlights:
first year:
drawing I --> meeting kelley, amy, and nathan
color & design --> the three musketeers: amy, kelley, and sara
3D design --> the evil contour fruit.

being in classes with rachel. (especially twiggy-plate's class)

second year:
type I --> yeah.
photo I --> awesome class
type II --> pat!

taking japanese with rachel.

being roommate's with rachel.

modeling.

third year:
type III --> ummm... yeah. fly fishing poster.
advertising --> awesome.
corporate identity --> not as awesome.

rachel was gone.
i was alone.
it was so hard...

fourth year:
package design --> lolibowli
photoillustration --> rachel was my muse

i met naoki.
i fell in love.

i made new friends. i lost others.

my life has changed forever.
i want it all to stop for a while... i don't want this to end. ever.

time time time

2006-04-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

things are happening so fast!!! i just wish time would slow down for a little while.... just so i can catch up!

be still my heart

2006-04-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

maybe this is my triumph.
maybe this is my demise.

reflections.

2006-04-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

when all looks lost,
find something.

what good is life if everything is handed to you?

recently i've been on an emotional rollercoaster. but, that'll stop soon i think.
i get overwhelmed.
i get stressed.
i get exhausted.
i get it.

but i'm also in control. or i need to take back control.
this is my life.

what am i doing right now?

2006-04-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

見た見た！ --> i saw it

何が良い？--> what do you want?
決めた? --> have you decided?

ごちそうする。--> it's on me.
おごるわ。--> it's my treat

(何が)食べたことない。--> i have never tried (something)
(あれ）おいしそう！--> (that) looks tasety!

おなか（が）いっぱい。--> i'm full!

flash, joy of joys

2006-04-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

thank you, life.

2006-04-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

i'm so add.

real love

2006-04-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

All my little plans and schemes,
Lost like some forgotten dreams.
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for you.

Thought I'd been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more.
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you.

Don't need to be alone.
Don't need to be alone.

It's real love.
It's real.

oh life.

2006-04-04T17:52:00.000-07:00

my grandpa had a stroke on saturday.
he's okay, and they think he'll make a full recovery. he just has almost no use of his right side, so he has to go in for physical therapy. he's optimistic and stubborn, so i think things will work out great.
maybe he'll take better care of himself now.

...but. my grandma and grandpa can't travel.
so they can't come to fort worth for my senior show. but what i care about most is that they are safe and healthy.

i will follow you

2006-04-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

i've been absent... but i haven't felt the need to say anything.

i've been depressed... but i haven't felt the need to say anything.

i've been extatic... but i haven't felt the need to say anything.

right now, i'm tired.
satisfied, but tired. for now. after getting sleep tonight, i should be better. i'm surprised i've made it this far. i'm amazed that i survived. i'm amazed we're still here.

i'm preoccupied.
there is so much buzzing going on inside and around my head.
but it's something i'm going to face.
it's something i'll conquer. though, i may have to ask for help.
though, that's the hardest thing i'll ever do.

who knows what tomorrow will bring.
be it sadness, happiness, love, sunshine, rain, death... it's something that i can't worry about now.
but it's something i can take hold of and shape to become my own.

please, let's start tomorrow with open arms and smiles on our faces.
please, let's end tomorrow in eachother's arms and smiles on our faces.

senses

2006-03-29T15:28:00.000-08:00

what do i remember.... let's see.

the sight.
the taste.
the smell.
the feel.
the sound.

i heard somewhere that smell was most closely related to memories. that if you smell something from your childhood, like crayons or play doh, you have a greater sensation of your past than with any other sense.
maybe.

i think the sense of smell is greatly overlooked.
so many times we focus on the way thins appear, the sounds, the textures. but not so much the smell. it's one of the least popular of the senses.

but i remember the smell of spring.
i remember the smell of fall.
i remember the smell when i said "it feels like change is coming"

so what does all of this mean?
maybe i'll find out. and even if i don't... i think that's okay, too. it's one of life's great mysteries.

aside from smell... i think today has been a 3-star day. maybe 3.5 star.
if i could make it 5-star....... i know what it will take. but do i have the courage? maybe... only time will tell.

once i start thinking

2006-03-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

things are funny.
everything has changed so fast... we've changed.
and it feels fine.

so.............. let's move forward.

i'm wide awake.

2006-03-27T23:47:00.000-08:00

i think i might escape for a while.

tickled pink.

2006-03-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

summer of '91

2006-03-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

sometimes my dreams are so real that i think i'm never awake.
is it a dream? sometimes it's just so right i can't help but think it's a fantasy.

missing you

2006-03-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

when i was little, my dad, mom, sister and i would all lie out on the driveway at night and watch the stars.
the pavement was always warm.

in the desert, night on concrete is the most comfortable.

we'd just sit out there, and watch.
wait, maybe.
we saw shooting stars.
we saw the earth move.

but the moon is my favorite.

another night

2006-03-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

the movement, the heat, the beat, taken off the street,
the juxtapositions,
the transitions
the fluidity, the agility, the deconstrucability.

just another day,
just another night,
living.
spilling,
feeling,
reeling it in. where does it stop,
where do I begin.......................

abstraction,
contraction. flash.
give me emotion
flash.
give me sound
flash.
give me you.

2006-03-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

this is perfect.

at night we're different people

2006-03-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

so, again i didn't get much sleep... but it was worth it.

i'm not tired.......... it's a little strange, maybe. but i'm happy. i'm really really happy. i think about it, and my stomach feels funny. my heart feels light... and i wonder, does he feel the same way? or am i hopeless?

2006-03-05T01:08:00.000-08:00

i love you.
<3

the illusion of reality...

2006-02-28T23:02:00.000-08:00

what is reality if it's not something you dictate? how can reality be anything but subjective?
there are faults in our senses... sight, smell, sound, taste, touch. so then... isn't there fault in reality?

take the letter R for example...
lower case.

r

and the letter F for example...
lower case

f

now squint your eyes.

and what about self-fulfilling prophesies? isn't that nothing more than you putting limits on yourself and on your reality.
when you say, "it's just the way things are", aren't you then resigning yourself to something less than what could be?
when you say, "i just don't want to be disappointed", aren't you then selling yourself short on taking a chance?

how much of what we do is out of cowardace?
how much of what we do is out of fear? "i just don't want to be hurt."

i don't want to be hurt... but i'm already hurt.

so, what's the worst that can happen? pain is pain, pain is inevitable. pain is a part of life.
but so is beauty, acceptance, love, kindness, compassion, sympathy, friendship, sacrifice, compromise, hope, peace, happiness............
it's all there. you may just have to look harder to see it.

everything changed.

2006-02-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

maybe i have changed.
have i?

maybe i have become more demanding.
maybe i have become more aware of myself.
maybe i have become more... me.

2006-02-22T12:38:00.000-08:00

right now, i don't think my head is on straight.
i can't think normally.

but then again, when have i ever thought normally?!

hopefully i'll get this right. i'll make this right.
are you afraid to kiss me, jack?
i'm afraid you'll break my heart.

what good is a world locked in a season of death?

everything looks perfect from far away

2006-02-21T16:51:00.000-08:00

there are some times when i think that maybe i'm the worst person on the face of the planet.
i try not to be mean, i try not to be rude, or anything negative.....
but maybe i am.

i recycle. i clean my dishes. i have wonderful friends. i pray sometimes. i cry when animals get hurt.
i have hope. i laugh. i donate money to charity. i smile at strangers. i feel good about myself. i work out.
i love my life right now. but i wonder if maybe i'm doing something wrong.
is this hedonistic?

i can fly

2006-02-19T23:49:00.000-08:00

tonight, i flew home from washington DC.
it was beautiful. breath-taking, astounding, life-altering, mind-shattering, amazing.

i flew between two oceans of stars... the night lights of the cities and the night lights of the sky.
i dare say, it was a religious experience.
i watched the stars when i wasn't sleeping. i slept.
and i had dreams.
...he was a prince, i was a princess, and we lived happily ever after.
on a beach.
-cut to-
we built bonfires.
-scene change-
we threw confetti.
-fade out-
we cried.
-montage-
we laughed.
we talked.
we walked.
we sang.
we danced. a waltz. through the waves.
-end scene-

it was beautiful.
i woke up and i forgot everything else. i loved that moment.
i remember most is that we were happy.

PS: i have achieved what was thought to be the unachievable! for i, my dear readers, managed to smash ice cream into the side of my face today in the airport. how? you ask, oh faithful ones. how is not important. all you need to know is that it was a pure and exposed moment... it was me.

i want to see

2006-02-17T02:20:00.000-08:00

i want to smell
i want to hear
i want to taste
i want to feel

this is my life. this is my experience.

love

2006-02-06T23:42:00.000-08:00

i'm so happy, my heart aches. it feels like it might burst.
i can't eat.
i don't want to sleep.

i just want to be...

stories.

2006-02-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

when i was younger, my mom told me stories about princesses,
princes,
love,
and hope.

i think the world needs more princesses,
princes,
love,
and hope.

change and the delicate balanace

2006-02-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

i'm hyptnotized by it.
it engulfs me, surrounds me, holds me,
oh so delicate,
oh so beautiful,
oh so dangeous.
as i close my eyes,
and breathe, i can think again.
it's as clear as the tears falling from my eyes.

did i win?
no. i lost.
we've both changed.
we've evolved. we are what we have become... and only time will tell what that is.
please,
don't stay with me because of the novelty.
don't stay with me because it's safe.

stay with me because you want me.
stay with me because you want to share with me.
stay with me because you want me.

crime and punishment

2006-02-01T23:19:00.000-08:00

crime: visual assault
punishment: a lifetime of fantasy

senses

2006-02-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

i cried today, really cried, for the first time in ages.
it was kind of a relief...
i've been so depressed, and i don't really know why.

i feel like i'm missing something very important.
and if i could just find this, everything would make sense.

and this thing i'm missing would make everything wonderful again.

i know that i live in a fantasy world.
i know that i can't get everything that i want.

but what could it hurt to try?

friends

2006-01-28T01:45:00.000-08:00

have i mentioned lately that i have the most amazing group of friends ever?

ode to india

2006-01-26T22:17:00.000-08:00

in india, the sky never sleeps. the sun is always singing
a new song each morning.
life surges through the ganges, through the veins of buddha,
and soars back up to the sky with the birds.

i want to wake up.
but i never want to stop dreaming.

thailand

2006-01-25T00:47:00.000-08:00

i'm so lucky to have such wonderful friends!!

thank you so much for making my birthday special. <3

next time we'll get thai curry.

birthday

2006-01-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

today is my birthday.
今日は私の誕生日。
Ajourd'hui est mon anniversaire.
hoy es mi cumpleanos.

what do to, what to do....

fall into noise

2006-01-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

and i collapse in the sound
falling down a rabbit hole
love, hate, fear, death, life, god, sanity, presence, peace, happiness, beauty, color
follow me. they fall
down

down

down

drowning in a river of tears.
trickling down until they explode on the ground.
a thousand stars are formed, and for an instant i think
maybe we'll see this through.

2006-01-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

i'm here.